BEIGE AND SAGE
The place: Grocery store.
The time: Five days before Thanksgiving.
Too early in my opinion. For one item.
Five days ahead of time is too early to shop for one item. I get picking up your frozen turkey today. That thing will still be hard as concrete on Tuesday. Go ahead and let it roll around in your trunk for a few days. The same goes with the bread for your stuffing. (It's stuffing, by the way. Not dressing.) Stuffing is made with stale bread. There's no time factor for stale bread. Or are you one of those who buys the bags of Pepperidge Farm stuffing? Ok. I'm not judging you. But my mom's homemade stuffing (along with her gravy) was a pre-nup when Bill and I wedded 22 years ago.
There's just no substitute.
Some freaks start making hipster stuffing with chestnuts, pomegranate seeds, and bacon. WRONG. There is a time when bacon does not belong. And Thanksgiving stuffing is one of them. So get your ass out of Whole Foods and save your plantains and unsalted pumpkin seeds for your energy mix before Goat Yoga.
If you're buying your cans (GASP!) of cranberry sauce today, that's OK, too. The estimated shelf life is 14 years, so no time is too early. Some feasters prefer the canned sauce to homemade. I think my sister-in-law is a fan of the jelled cylinder. But canned just doesn't have that bitter bite of homemade berries boiled with sugar. To quote Bryan Adams, "It cuts like a knife. Yeah, but it feel so right."
Potatoes for your mashed is okay as well. Grab a couple sacks while they're on sale. And don't put anything in those babies but butter and S&P. Their only purpose is to serve as a crater for the gravy.
Gravy.
The most important part of the meal. Beige. Savory. My favorite use for a ladle. The type of ladle is equally as important. I could spend a good 20 minutes on a Saturday loitering in the kitchen gadget aisle of meijer or Target, testing the dunking capacity and grips of ladles. (I'm a south sider. We don't have a Le Creuset outlet. Our Le Creuset is Bed, Bath and Beyond.) Thanksgiving is the time for the sterling silver ladle you registered for or received from one of your mom and dad's friends at a wedding shower. The OXO ladle melted on the side takes a back seat today. Grab that silver scepter by the balls and bathe your plate in liquid gold. Give it a good soaking. Pierce the giblets with your tine and repress what they're made of.
The green bean casserole is one where I can play both sides. Who doesn't enjoy creamed soups and Durkee french fried onions? What are those made of anyways? I grabbed a can today just for inspection. A sparrow's plume weighs more than a can of those things. Whatever they are, they're mighty tasty and add the perfect crunch and grease to Campbell's Cream of Mushroom. I've always been a fan of canned green beans, but they have to be Green Giant. However, I can also roll with the fresh. Just don't buy them today. Green bean casserole is the only item of color on the plate other than sweet potatoes and my family does not have a firm commitment to the sweets. Some years they're there. Other years they're not. And we don't popcorn the top with trashy marshmallows. We're purists. Cinnamon and butter. Period.
So what is the one item you cannot purchase yet?
The rolls.
Freshness is the only reason to eat bread. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING BUYING ROLLS TODAY? They'll be styrofoam by Thursday. Even two butter pats won't resurrect those bricks. Today I hit the brakes when I saw a woman tossing bags into her cart. She wasn't even treating them with respect. She was tossing them like bean bags into her cart; she wasn't gingerly placing them into the child seat where they could remain safe from bulk items and bananas. What if a 28 oz. can of tomatoes crushes those poor lil buns? It's just too early.
The Butternut Brown n Serve triggered a giggle from me. I peeked around a man who was blocking my view from the display, looking for Charlie Brown or Snoopy. Awwww. No Peanuts characters. Just the baby blue and white gingham packaging wrapped around roundish rectangles whiter than my shins in February. "Brown n Serve." Damn straight you'll have to brown those before serving. Otherwise you'll spook your guests.
Fresh rolls are the accent to the meal, like the cider-scented candles and fake goldenrod leaves that may serve as the tablescape. My mom always warms them. Warm buns. Ahhhhhhh. Pass them down and just take one even though you want two. Their perfect accompaniment is the butter pats my mom arranges on saucers, enabling you to lift a softened square onto the 1 cm edge of your plate where no food is residing.
And don't be the asshole who takes the butter knife on accident.
That's a community knife. Be grateful.
The time: Five days before Thanksgiving.
Too early in my opinion. For one item.
Five days ahead of time is too early to shop for one item. I get picking up your frozen turkey today. That thing will still be hard as concrete on Tuesday. Go ahead and let it roll around in your trunk for a few days. The same goes with the bread for your stuffing. (It's stuffing, by the way. Not dressing.) Stuffing is made with stale bread. There's no time factor for stale bread. Or are you one of those who buys the bags of Pepperidge Farm stuffing? Ok. I'm not judging you. But my mom's homemade stuffing (along with her gravy) was a pre-nup when Bill and I wedded 22 years ago.
There's just no substitute.
Some freaks start making hipster stuffing with chestnuts, pomegranate seeds, and bacon. WRONG. There is a time when bacon does not belong. And Thanksgiving stuffing is one of them. So get your ass out of Whole Foods and save your plantains and unsalted pumpkin seeds for your energy mix before Goat Yoga.
If you're buying your cans (GASP!) of cranberry sauce today, that's OK, too. The estimated shelf life is 14 years, so no time is too early. Some feasters prefer the canned sauce to homemade. I think my sister-in-law is a fan of the jelled cylinder. But canned just doesn't have that bitter bite of homemade berries boiled with sugar. To quote Bryan Adams, "It cuts like a knife. Yeah, but it feel so right."
Potatoes for your mashed is okay as well. Grab a couple sacks while they're on sale. And don't put anything in those babies but butter and S&P. Their only purpose is to serve as a crater for the gravy.
Gravy.
The most important part of the meal. Beige. Savory. My favorite use for a ladle. The type of ladle is equally as important. I could spend a good 20 minutes on a Saturday loitering in the kitchen gadget aisle of meijer or Target, testing the dunking capacity and grips of ladles. (I'm a south sider. We don't have a Le Creuset outlet. Our Le Creuset is Bed, Bath and Beyond.) Thanksgiving is the time for the sterling silver ladle you registered for or received from one of your mom and dad's friends at a wedding shower. The OXO ladle melted on the side takes a back seat today. Grab that silver scepter by the balls and bathe your plate in liquid gold. Give it a good soaking. Pierce the giblets with your tine and repress what they're made of.
The green bean casserole is one where I can play both sides. Who doesn't enjoy creamed soups and Durkee french fried onions? What are those made of anyways? I grabbed a can today just for inspection. A sparrow's plume weighs more than a can of those things. Whatever they are, they're mighty tasty and add the perfect crunch and grease to Campbell's Cream of Mushroom. I've always been a fan of canned green beans, but they have to be Green Giant. However, I can also roll with the fresh. Just don't buy them today. Green bean casserole is the only item of color on the plate other than sweet potatoes and my family does not have a firm commitment to the sweets. Some years they're there. Other years they're not. And we don't popcorn the top with trashy marshmallows. We're purists. Cinnamon and butter. Period.
So what is the one item you cannot purchase yet?
The rolls.
Freshness is the only reason to eat bread. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING BUYING ROLLS TODAY? They'll be styrofoam by Thursday. Even two butter pats won't resurrect those bricks. Today I hit the brakes when I saw a woman tossing bags into her cart. She wasn't even treating them with respect. She was tossing them like bean bags into her cart; she wasn't gingerly placing them into the child seat where they could remain safe from bulk items and bananas. What if a 28 oz. can of tomatoes crushes those poor lil buns? It's just too early.
The Butternut Brown n Serve triggered a giggle from me. I peeked around a man who was blocking my view from the display, looking for Charlie Brown or Snoopy. Awwww. No Peanuts characters. Just the baby blue and white gingham packaging wrapped around roundish rectangles whiter than my shins in February. "Brown n Serve." Damn straight you'll have to brown those before serving. Otherwise you'll spook your guests.
Fresh rolls are the accent to the meal, like the cider-scented candles and fake goldenrod leaves that may serve as the tablescape. My mom always warms them. Warm buns. Ahhhhhhh. Pass them down and just take one even though you want two. Their perfect accompaniment is the butter pats my mom arranges on saucers, enabling you to lift a softened square onto the 1 cm edge of your plate where no food is residing.
And don't be the asshole who takes the butter knife on accident.
That's a community knife. Be grateful.
Comments
I am also in 100% agreement about yuppified stuffing. Get the f$&@ outta here! That’s a sure-Fire way to get yourself bounced from Thanksgiving. Period.
Well done Jentifer
1) I call it stuffing, but in truth, I serve dressing. That glorious mixture of bread and seasoning does not go into the bird. It has to get cooked on it's own sheet pan in order to achieve the perfect amount of crunchy bits (my favorite part) to soft. Ours is made with homemade bread started about a week and a half before Thanksgiving so that it has time to get stale. No way Jose to bagged Pepperidge Farm stuffing or (shudder) Stovetop.
2) Classic stuffing. No weird ingredients. Don't try to change the freaking recipe. Don't add nuts, or berries, or anything else creative.
3) Canned jellied cranberry sauce is non-negotiable for me. I insist that it still have the ridges from the can. It's the absolute best for the leftover turkey sandwich the next day. We also make a batch of homemade cranberries (gag)
4) WHY ARE YOU DISSING MASHED POTATOES? They're so much more than a vessel for the gravy.
5) Because Thanksgiving dinner is a buffet at our house, Gravy is interspersed throughout the table, therefore, it's all ladles on deck. No time to play favorites here. I also prefer my gravy to be more of a golden brown. Darker than beige, lighter than a Chocolate Lab.
6) Green beans..I like to skip the traditional gloppy casserole and do an oven roasted green bean instead. And Ewww, canned, no way, team fresh here. Sweet potatoes are also a given, although the recipe changes every year (skip the marshmallows though) Our's are savory. No cinnamon allowed.
7) Rolls- If you're gonna serve them, please get them from a bakery, or make them yourself. Ask one of your guests to bring them. I don't care, but Please Please Please don't serve the brown and serve rolls at Thanksgiving.
It's the most important eating day of the year. Show some respect.